I was intrigued by an entry made by Reyna Elena on her site about Randy Pausch, a Carnegie-Mellon University Computer-Science professor who received a standing ovation even before he gave his lecture. Most of them went there to see his ‘last lecture’. He is terminally ill and it wasn’t known whether he will live for weeks or months. After I watched the video, I was compelled to think about what I would impart to the world before I go. What would my last lecture be if I was given the chance. So I wrote:
My last lecture? I will conduct a lecture about God’s Love. I will make it my exit mission to make people understand the ‘unconditional love’ that God has for us. The title will be: Agape, The Real Meaning of God’s Love.
My focus will be the moment that I realize His love for me knew no bounds. I may be a sinner or a saint but I am loved by Him in the same exact way.
This is my story. During the time that I was so confused about my sexuality and my faith, I got to know an Irish monk who became God’s instrument in helping me reconcile my faith and my sexuality. We would take long walks along the monastery grounds in the middle of winter and discuss why I had a hard time accepting that God loves me because of my sexuality and what other people made me believe - that being gay is a sin.
One winter snowy night, he gave me a one-on-one retreat. He had me sit in the middle of the chapel and played some background music for ambiance I guess. Then, he had me close my eyes and told me to imagine three chairs. I being seated in the middle.
While I pictured this in my head, he had me think of all the good things that I have done in my 24 years of being alive. I saw myself glistening in bright light knowing that the good actions that I had done were pleasing to Him. I saw myself as bright as the sun. The monk then instructed me to look at the chair on the right and imagine God sitting right there. He wanted me to tell him what God’s reaction was to MY GOOD SELF. I saw God’s face with this radiant smile and His hands outstretched in welcome to embrace me. It was an ecstatic sight.
By this time, I was already in tears. Similarly, the monk then asked me to think about the bad things that I have done in my 24 years. I saw my being gay as one of the bad things and I pictured myself as dirty, dark, gloomy and sinful. I was ashamed, I couldn’t even stare at my own image because of that. Then, the monk said, “Now look at the chair on the left and imagine God sitting there. Tell me what you see.”
I looked to my left and to my surprise, I saw the same exact face of God with his radiant smile and his outstretched hands ready to welcome me. I cried even more knowing that God did not care. He didn’t care whether I was a sinner or I was a saint, straight or gay, man or woman. He loved me regardless of all of that. At that exact moment, I accepted my sexuality and was able to reconcile it with my faith knowing full well that God’s love knows no bounds. I would like to impart the moment I knew what God’s Love felt like and how, in our own choosing could we understand its fullness.
“Beloved, let us love one another. For love is of God, and everyone that loveth is born of God and knoweth God. He that loveth not, knoweth not God - for God is love.”
Have a wonderful day folks!
