Sep 01 2009
No, it was not a choice.
My friend Joey and I had dinner the other night. He is a usual here – he comes 3-4 nights a week to have dinner at my place or at times, we would go to a local diner to chat and catch up.
We got to talking about things, our lives and where we’re going. We often talk about the time when we grow old and the fear of not being paired with anyone. As gay men, we may not have children if we don’t choose to adopt. So, who would be with us when our eyes start to go bad. What if we become weak in the knees and need assistance just to get up from bed?
Then, he pointed at my ear and he said, “You are starting to grow hair out of your ear?” I didn’t realize it so I told him, “Can you do me a favor? I have a tweezer at home, can you pull it for me?” Then he said, “Of course not! Are you crazy?”
At that instant, I felt the loneliness and the fear once again. Who would be with me when I’m older if and when I don’t find a partner or have any children? Everything that you ask a friend to do for you is a favor. It’s not really something that is freely offered. I felt weak. The words “What ifs…” kept repeating in my head over and over again.
That’s when I thought once more, “This is not my choice.” I didn’t choose to be gay. Who would choose a life like this? Wouldn’t anyone choose to be straight, have a spouse and children who will look after them when they get older? Did I choose to live alone? Did I choose to not have children?
As depressing this entry may sound, there really is a light gleaming from the smallest hole in the room. I realized at the same time that God is ever near. And the reason I am this way is not my own choosing. It is His choosing.
And He said:
“Look at the birds in the air,” Jesus said. “They don’t worry where their next meal is coming from. They don’t store up grain in barns. And yet, the Heavenly Father takes care of them. Surely you are worth more to him than a bird.”
“And why worry about your clothing?” Jesus continued. “Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, and yet Solomon in all his glory wasn’t dressed as beautifully as they are. If God cares so wonderfully for these wildflowers, surely he will take care of you. Why do you show your lack of faith by worrying about these things?”
Of course, Joey was just kidding. We got home – I took a shower and he plucked the hair (singular!) off my ear. That’s what friends are for. 
Growing old is downright scary to me sometimes. Wifey and I are unable to have children, so we go through the same kinds of questions as you in some respects: “Who will pluck that hair from my ear?” Fortunately, we have each other for now, but I fear the day that either of us is not around for the other and just what that might mean for the one left behind. However, unlike a lot of folks – gay, straight, or otherwise – we have had the privilege of walking together for over ten years now. While we might have a lot to lose, I wouldn’t change it for the world. This is our lot, and God is in his heaven, so let’s live in the today.
You have a knack for pulling out some of my favourite verses, my friend. They’re just what I need to read right now. No, I lie. They’re what I’ve always needed to, and always will need to, read. I fear that I will always have a stunted faith, so nourishment from God’s word will always be a good thing for me.
Here’s hoping you post again soon. I’ll be waiting.
Haha! Hi Tony! Thanks for your comment. You are funny!
A wise friend once told me, “You came into this world alone — you will leave it – alone.” There is really nothing to fear I suppose but it’s human nature. We get scared sometimes.
I am happy that you’ve found a wife so dear and I can still feel the sweetness and thoughtfulness in you when you speak of her. You actually made me smile.
Thanks for commenting on my posts. You sound like a really good person. God Bless!
Growing old…my husband and I have no children and do not plan to, so I work about the same things. That was a funny story.
I’ll share one of mine. While I was at work one day, I kept smelling a body odor. So my friend, sniffed my underarm for me. I told her that she was a true friend. One of my other friends yelled, I’m your friend too. Once she found out, she said that it was okay that my other friend could be my friend for the day…imagine someone sniffing your underarm for you? Oh, the odor wasn’t from me.
Haha ! That was surely a fun story as well! I am comforted in a way that we have friends who will “smell our underarm” or “pluck hair out of our ears” should we need someone. I guess we’re both lucky. Thanks for stopping by!
You are welcome. I’m glad that I found your blog. I am going to follow it on Google Reader. So you do have one regular reader. I’ll also link you.
Blessings,
Coleen
Maybe you should really think about what you are saying here. I know we all have our faults and are working to become better christians, but homosexuality is a sin just like lying or fornication. What would you think of a site called Christian Hoes? You would double look at that right? Because it’s not good representation. I know that changing is not an easy thing but God loves you and with God all things are possible. All you have to do is ask for his forgiveness and help and he will help you work out your circumstances. When you come to the end of your life, all that really matters is that you go to heaven. We are only here for a short while. Please grab hold of the truth of God’s word. I hope I’ve helped. Have a nice day and please consider what i have said.
Hello Felicity and welcome to my blog. I appreciate your honesty and I respect it. I apologize if I disagree with your stance on homosexuality as being a sin and being equated to fornication and lying. The site name as Gay Christians to me is similar to Christian Male or Christian Female. Fornication is committed by all genders and it’s not something that I would equate to being gay.
Changing is never easy most specially if you’re trying to change something that can’t be changed. I can hide it.. yes.. but I’d rather not. THAT would be LYING and isn’t that something you equated homosexuality with in the first place.
I am not demeaning your comment – I am simply stating how I feel about the issue. And thank you for caring enough to say your peace.
God bless sister.
Thanks Coleen! I will link you as well if you don’t mind?