Sep 03 2009
And all the while I thought I am alone here. :)
I got quite a few comments in moderation today – from Tony Single. Welcome to my blog Tony!
I was deeply moved by his responses on the posts and kinda glad in a way because I didn’t think anyone read this blog at all. 
I will be answering his comments in a bit but since I am already making an entry, I might as well put out the thoughts in my head through the keyboard and tell you what it is.
When I was struggling between my faith and sexuality, I had one very big reason why I didn’t want to be identified as “gay”. I don’t want to sound self-righteous or “mightier-than-thou”. I just wanted to let you know why.
You know those gay pride events? When people go to pride parade or a block party. I never felt I belonged. I always felt like an outsider whenever I tried to join any of those events. I know that it is an event that is meant to say to the world that “we’re gay and it’s okay”. Somehow, I didn’t share the same feeling at the time. The stigma of being gay for me hurt me so much inside that I wanted to stay as far as I can with the identification. But, as time went on – I learned to feel more comfortable with the people. We have different ways of showing our pride. Some do it in thongs, some do it in women’s clothing – but others – just like me, do it without raising any flags. I tend to go under the radar during those events. There are things that go on there that I may not be proud of, but I’m proud of who I am.
Anyway, back to my story. I knew a gay Christian couple. They were devoted to God, worked with the Salvation Army and really cool people. I respect them and they respect me. I’ve known them for years but I didn’t know until recently that after 25 years of being together, they decided to open their relationship. I was disappointed in a way but I couldn’t judge them at all because I haven’t been in more than a 4-year relationship let alone 25 years. Things must change after 25 years.
The question I had in my mind is this. Okay, so both of themare gay. That’s not a sin to me. In all honesty, I was proud to see a couple last 25 years in a monogamous relationship. We hear that other couples do that after one year! But to have an open relationship? And as Christians? I thought fidelity is fidelity, regardless of gender. True, they are not cheating on each other because each party agreed to open the relationship. But isn’t that a sin? Where is love in all that?
I am asking not to mock them or put them down. I really just want to know if that is what I have to look forward to. Will I get together with a partner today, work on a relationship for so long only to open the relationship in the end? Or am I simply a different breed?
Many people say, “We’re men. That’s our nature.” I disagree. I believe that once you commit to a partner, that is it. If you want to fool around, then go ahead. You can do it without me. Am I being too self-righteous? Is something along my journey going to make me realize that it’s okay? I wonder.
Until I read this post I thought I was alone in my own sentiments on fidelity regardless of Gender. It’s made me question my own sexuality and where I stand in society because I don’t–as a lesbian– believe in open relationships or flagrant sleeping around. I think we share the same malady of flying under the pride radar simply because we both hold fast to traditional beliefs. I also believe that if you believe in monogamy as a gay christian, you will not end up like the 25yr old couple. Why? because there are others like you out there who believe in longevity without the requirement of infidelity or open relationships. Remain steadfast in you beliefs and never doubt yourself.
I can only plead ignorance on this topic because I have never had to struggle with my heterosexuality and have obviously never been persecuted it. So, what would I know of the homosexual’s struggle with their very identity? I don’t go around in everyday life constantly thinking to myself, “I am a hetero, and that’s okay” because society, by and large, accepts it – not so for the gay person.
Sure, a man could leave a woman after 25 years of a monogamous relationship, and society would have derogative things to say about that, and some justified things to say for that matter. The gay person? Well, I tend to think that society wouldn’t even have the expectation, whether rightly or wrongly, that the relationship would never ever become that serious to begin with. The expectation would be that homosexuals know nothing of commitment to begin with; that their particular lifestyle, by definition, precludes it. This, of course, is nonsense, because everyone, gay and straight, surely just wants to love and to be loved. This is a basic human need. We’re made that way.
So, yes, valid question on the “open relationship” thing. Can such a thing ever truly work? I have to confess that I would not be at all happy to invite anyone into that special intimacy that wifey and I share. I’m not a jealous control freak by any stretch of the imagination, but this is a case where three (or more) is most definitely a crowd! On that basis alone, I would have to reject any notion of having an open relationship. No way. No how.
So, for you, in whose shoes I have not walked, I can’t even begin to imagine how you would tackle this issue. I can only imagine that for any relationship that transparency is the key. Transparency about your emotions, your expectations for the relationship, and… well, just transparency in general. If a potential life partner doesn’t want to be around for life and they’re willing to admit that to you, then they’ve done you a great service, because then you can begin seeking elsewhere for someone who will be in it for the long haul.
When one thinks about it in that sense, then one realises that, fundamentally, perhaps gays and heteros are not so different after all.
I like what Tony Single had to say and I agree with him.
I am a Christian heterosexual female, so I can’t pretend in the least bit that I understand what it feels like. But, I can understand the feeling of not wanting to be out, letting people know who I really am. It will come or not and neither one really makes a difference. Such as, some Christians are quite vocal and others make a quiet difference. I struggle with my accepting who I am everyday and am working on saying and doing what I want to do despite the opinion of others.
Like heterosexual relationships, the Bible calls for monogamy. I believe that having an open relationship is sinful no matter if it is a homosexual relationship or heterosexual relationship. However, they could still be my friends.
The question “will I get together with someone?” is being wondered by thousand if not millons of single people around the world. However, you do have less to choose from. But, just like heterosexual men, you run into those who are “whores.” But, not everyone is like that. I know several gay men who have been in committed relationships for years. I don’t know how old you are, but I met my husband when I was in my 30s and we have been happily married for 12 years. Group activities are helpful with perhaps a few people…in the heterosexual world, group “dating” is quite popular.
Nothing is wrong with you, but you struggle with the same issues that heterosexuals do. However, you do have the added difficulty of being Christian and Gay. Do you go to a gay friendly church? Great way to meet someone, at least a very good friend.
If you are interested, I will be posting an article about how I went from being a Christian thinking that homosexuality was a sin to being a gay rights supporter. Just let me know and I’ll let you know when I post it. BTW, I have been following your blog for a while just under the radar.
Blessings,
cc
Hi again! Yes, I am still in the belief that a commitment is a commitment. Regardless of gender, we do have a responsibility (moral or otherwise). It is my belief that once we commit to someone, it should be complete. But then again, I don’t know how I would be should I be with someone for over 25 years. I do hope not to change. Yet, we know that time can change us and I can never say never.
Yes, I do have a gay-friendly church that I visit from time to time. I do get the support and I’m comfortable with it. I just can’t reconcile some of the “accepted norms” in the gay community to my own views. One of them is “open relationships”.
Thanks for the comforting words. It’s true. Just like what the bible said – someone has already been through anything that we’re going through… – I just don’t remember the book, chapter and verse.
Yes, I am very interested. Please let me know and I will visit your blog. I’m flattered with your words of kindness… I really thought no one was reading my blog.
Hi Tony! Wow – - regular visits – I’m floored!
I like what you said here. It is true… there really is no difference… we, as humans create the differences. Thanks again Tony! I love the way you write.
I am going to post the five day series beginning Monday, November 16th on http://ClinicallyClueless.blogspot.com
By the way, I was having much difficulty accessing your site.
Thank you,
cc
Yes CC – I am having difficulties with bandwidth because I have another blog with lots of traffic where this is linked to. I have to make changes soon.. I will let you know.
Thanks for letting me know.