“Therefore, be on the alert– for you do not know when the master of the house is coming, whether in the evening, at midnight, or when the rooster crows, or in the morning

– Mark 13:35

The disasters that have occurred in the last six months has got me thinking. The ravaging storm Ondoy in the Philippines, earthquake in Haiti, Chile, Taiwan and just today – Indonesia and Sumatra. What is going on folks? These are natural disasters that nobody expected. The people weren’t prepared because there is no way you can prepare for it.  It’s like a thief in the night.  Many lives were lost.

I write about this tonight because I am a man of faith. And my faith leads me to believe that having Jesus as my personal Lord and Savior, I will be okay. Yet, when things like these happen, I start thinking. Have I been faithful to God? Have I kept my side of the bargain with him. What if in His eyes, I didn’t and when He returns he catches me unprepared. Will I lose my own soul?

I strive to be a better person every day. I try to be kind in any way I can. But I don’t know if I should be kind. How am I fulfilling His will by being kind. Should I be kind to murderers? Child molesters? Gay bashers? What is kindness?

In all of these, one prayer comes to mind. A prayer that meant so much to me that a photo copy given to me while I was still in my teens is still with me today. I want to share it with you as well. If you’re thinking the same way I am thinking right now, this prayer would definitely help. It’s a prayer by Thomas Merton.

My Lord God

I have no idea where I am going.

I do not see the road ahead of me.

I cannot know for certain where it will end.

Nor do I really know myself,

and the fact that I think I am following

your will does not mean

that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that my desire to please you

does in fact please you.

And I hope that I have that desire

in all that I am doing.

I hope that I will never do anything

apart from that desire.

And I know that if I do this

you will lead me by the right road

though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore will I trust you always

though I may seem to be lost

and in the shadow of death.

I will not fear,

for you are ever with me,

and you will never leave me

to face my perils alone. – Thomas Merton (1915-1968)

Feeling kinda cold? No fire in your stomach? I feel that once in a while. I feel like I’m not connected to God or that I’ve gone so far away from Him that I can’t feel the love that He has for me.

It’s normal. For us who strive to be like Christ, there will be times when we can’t feel His love. It’s not because He’s not there – - it’s because we’ve pushed Him away. And you know what, even if we did – He is only an arms length away because we’re the only one who can push away. He’s still there, watching and waiting for us.

I love this song so much and whenever I listen to it, I imagine God saying the words to me. It’s comforting to know that He is always near…always there to comfort me.

Listen and maybe if you’re feeling like it – - join in the song.

Artwork credit: Source

You’ve heard it before. ““I tell you,” he replied, “if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out.” – Luke 19:40. And it’s true. We have to be cognizant of the fact that praising God is not for His benefit but ours.

I remember a story about a farmer who has put all his savings for the harvest that he was expecting. I can’t remember if it was a corn field or whatever but that is not important. All I remember is that he has put all his effort into the field and is expecting a great harvest. He recently became a Christian and learned about praising God and how it benefits US by praising Him.

His crops got infested with worms. He has done everything to get rid of the worms to save his crop but to no avail. He heard about how God blesses you when you praise Him so he said, “I’m not about to lose my crops to these worms. God said that if I praise Him, He will bless me.” In one way or another, he challenged God. He wanted to find out what God can do for him.

One sunny afternoon, he brought a little stool with him and he went into the middle of the field. He placed the stool down, stepped on it and at the top of his lungs he cried out, “Praise the Lord!! Praise be His Holy Name!! Wonderful Counselor, Almighty God!!”. He repeated these words several times when he noticed that the sky grew dark all of a sudden. In his mind he thought, “I thought praising works! Now I am about to get soaked with this storm and I have nothing to show for it.”

He took the stool and started running back to the house. He looked back to check and he noticed something weird. The sky grew dim not because of a storm but rather thousands and thousands of black birds that descended on his farm. The birds ate the worms that were destroying his crop and didn’t leave the field until the very last single worm was gone.

I heard that this was a true story that happened in a small town in the Philippines. I couldn’t verify it but regardless, it is still a very good story.

Sometimes, when all is said and done, we need to lift our praises to Him. Whether we’re going through something that is weighing us down or maybe when we’re simply happy that everything is going well. Praise Him. He has abundant blessings that He would like us to have only if we praise Him.

It’s Monday today and I am stressed out at work. Very much so that I am getting very little sleep every night. I know what I’ll be doing before I go to bed tonight and when I wake up first thing tomorrow. I’m going to praise Him. Sometimes, what seems to be dark clouds hovering over us could be the very thing that will save us…. let the birds come and eat every worm of worry within us. God bless you!

Whether you’re a Christian or not, you must have heard of life after death experiences. It could be someone you know or something you saw in a movie or television.

I’ve heard many stories and I even read books about it. As a Christian, I cannot help but believe that there is life after this life. There has to be. Christ spoke of it many times.

The very thing that I like about those stories is the emotion that these people experience at the time. They feel peace, they feel love, happiness. But most of all, they feel the presence of God.

I saw this clip on NBC’s Today Show about a scientific study on Life After Death. A book called, “Evidence of the After Life” written by Dr. Jeffrey Long. And with him was one of the 1300 subjects is Mary Jo who stated her story. What caught me was what she believe God said to her when she reached heaven. She resisted and wanted to stay because of the love and the peace that she felt. God told her that she couldn’t stay and when she asked why, God said, “Have you ever loved anyone on earth with the way that you have been loved here?”

That struck me. Because somehow, I felt that it is the real measure of God’s yard stick on how we can enter heaven. Like what I’ve always said, I only follow one commandment. That commandment is to “Love God with all my heart, with all my mind and with all my soul…and my neighbor as myself.”

That in itself is the most difficult of all. I am too selfish to love my neighbor as myself. But Christ wants me to do that. I strive everyday to follow His will and I fail constantly. Yet, if you sum it all up – He forgives me constantly as well.

Watch the video below:

I am a work in progress. I don’t claim to be perfect and although I try my best to be honest in every little way possible, sometimes I still fall into the “white lie” trap. It’s not easy to follow Jesus’ footsteps but I know that He forgives and every time He forgives, he puts a caveat after it. “Neither do I condemn you; go your way; from now on sin no more“.

Yes, we are forgiven but we have to learn from it.  We have to say to ourselves the very next time the same situation presents itself that we can’t go the same way that we did in the past.

I try to learn from my mistakes and after I have been forgiven, I try not to thread the same path as before.  Jesus knows that we may/will fall again and He’s ready to forgive “again”.  However, the constant lesson is to listen to that little voice in our head saying, “No.  I have been healed and I cannot do this again.”

Talking to a friend tonight made me feel like I was being self-righteous when I said to her after she had admitted to me that she cheated on her girlfriend, “Avoid the situation.  If you fall into that pit, you will lose sight of who you are.  You will continue to lie.  One lie leads to many lies. If you let your character and self-esteem fall into the same situation, lying next time will be easier and easier.”  I didn’t mean to condemn, I just want her to know that there is hope for her to leave that situation.

I was forced to look inwardly in my life and there are certain situations that I could have avoided yet I didn’t.  But I do believe that we are God’s project.  We are a work in progress.  If we believe and we try to follow what God wants us to do, “To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.” – we will be okay.

God loves you, and so do I.

I wasn’t feeling very good today. I am not sick or anything, I simply feel down and not in the mood for anything. The rain wasn’t helping either. It’s very rare for me to feel this way but when I do, it’s quite heavy. I can’t put my finger on it and I can’t even say that I am depressed for there is no reason to be.

I would guess that it is part of life. I recently attended a wedding, a friend just had a baby and another friend graduated from college. Could it be that I am trying to assess what I’ve done with my life? Is it because I think that I will never get married or have children? I don’t know what my subconscious is saying but I feel really sad.

I would normally be the person who people reach out to when they’re sad. They come to me because I am really a clown! You many not get it from the way I write in this blog, but I’m really a crazy person. Ha! Whoah! I feel better already.

Anyway, I decided to blog hop because I was looking for some kind of an inspiration to lift me up. I found this video posted on one of the blogs that I normally visit and it brought a tear to my eyes. I hope that some day, when all is said and done – someone’s going to sing this song for me the way she did. And when she’s done, I would stand up and clap my hands until it hurts. It actually made me feel good.

I wish everyone had a great weekend – I apologize, I just had to let things out. I needed to vent.

I believe that I’ve written about this before. I grew up knowing that I am a homosexual even before I knew what the word meant. Coming from a brood of 10 children, it was more likely for a family of that size to have at least one homosexual person… and that person is me.

When I started feeling this way, I remember looking up the word homosexual from those huge Encyclopaedia Britannica books (if you remember them, it kinda ages us a bit. LOL). I tried to understand why people fall in love (or lust) after the same sex. I was confused.

I carried that confusion all the way through college. It was something that I couldn’t grasp. My uber-religious backgroud based on Christianity even made me feel worse. It was supposed to be a sin and something that I shouldn’t be feeling. But I did.

That would take me years before I meet someone who explained it to me in real terms. In religious terms. I cannot find that person anymore, but he was the most beautiful creature to me. He was able to make me see that God loves me for who I am. And through him, God manifested Himself to make me understand that I am God’s project.

Take a look at this video and tell me what you think.

The world is changing as I write this. There are more people accepting of homosexuals, and more and more people are coming out. Most of the youth today get the courage to come out of the closet younger because they see that homosexuals are regular people. If you watch any of the TV shows today, you would see at least one homosexual character. And rightfully so! We are part of humanity.

My friends who are straight, and who are very accepting of homosexuality are not threatened by us. They support us and they love us in the same level as they love their straight friends. I don’t feel that I will go straight to hell anymore simply because I’m gay. If I am a promiscuous gay person, I still may go to hell. If I am a gay person who murders anyone – yes, I still believe that heaven won’t be the place for me. But that’s just it. Being gay alone is not enough reason for me to think that God will condemn me with eternal damnation.

Happy Saturday!

The Rich Young Man

17As Jesus started on his way, a man ran up to him and fell on his knees before him. “Good teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”

18″Why do you call me good?” Jesus answered. “No one is good—except God alone. 19You know the commandments: ‘Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony, do not defraud, honor your father and mother.’[a]”

20″Teacher,” he declared, “all these I have kept since I was a boy.”

21Jesus looked at him and loved him. “One thing you lack,” he said. “Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”

22At this the man’s face fell. He went away sad, because he had great wealth.

23Jesus looked around and said to his disciples, “How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God!”

24The disciples were amazed at his words. But Jesus said again, “Children, how hard it is[b] to enter the kingdom of God! 25It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.”

26The disciples were even more amazed, and said to each other, “Who then can be saved?”

27Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.”

28Peter said to him, “We have left everything to follow you!”

29″I tell you the truth,” Jesus replied, “no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel 30will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age (homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields—and with them, persecutions) and in the age to come, eternal life.

It’s been days and I still find myself questioning this… “Do I really need everything that I posses?”  Over the years, I have collected many items from knick-knacks to collectible art, rare items and not-so-rare items.  I look around my room and I can’t even believe the amount of  “things” I have kept all these years.  Are any of these necessary for me to survive?  I think not.

When I was younger, I had nothing in mind but to finish school and then enter the monastery to become a priest.   I chose to be a Franciscan because the life of St. Francis of Assisi is one that I intended to follow.  After reading the book about the life of St. Francis, I became deeply inspired by his ideals and his faith.

The turning point came to St. Francis when he visited the Church of San Damiano and heard the voice of Christ saying, “Francis, rebuild my church.”   He took this literally, took fabric from his father’s store and sold it so he could use the money to rebuild the church.  His father considered that act as an act of thievery and wanted him to return the money so he was taken in front of the bishop and demanded that he return all the money that he earned from the stolen fabrics.  That was all Francis needed to hear. He not only gave back the money but stripped off all his clothes — the clothes his father had given him — until he was wearing only a hair shirt. In front of the crowd that had gathered he said, “Pietro Bernardone is no longer my father. From now on I can say with complete freedom, ‘Our Father who art in heaven.’”

I remember a time in my life when everything was so simple.  I get simple joys from watching a leaf fall from a tree during the fall season.  I enjoyed gazing at the sky filled with stars on a clear night.  It was enough for me to take a ride in my car and see the blue sky open up and my eyes would well up with tears of joy.  The wonders of God’s creation.   That was a time in my life when I barely own anything.

Did you know that there was a time in my life that I felt a burden on my shoulders every time I purchased anything?   It really came down to giving everything away in order that I would feel the freedom that St. Francis might have felt during that moment.  A feeling that I would like to feel again.

People wonder why even to this day, I would still think about the possibility of my entering a religious order.   It is somewhat of a fantasy for me.  I want to give up everything I have and follow Christ.  It may never happen but it is always and will always be in my head.  I wonder if that is what they mean by “being called to holiness”.   It’s almost a nagging voice inside of me.

Now that I have almost everything that I need and almost everything that I wanted in life, I feel empty and confused.  There’s just too many material things to worry about.  Am I too attached to the world because of the things that I possess?  Life has become so complicated that I don’t feel like I am living the life I was destined to have.  Is it too late for me to change?  Why do I even feel this way?

I went to mass tonight. A friend was visiting me and at times he would come with me to church. I don’t normally ask as I don’t want to appear as if I am trying to make him go to church. I would rather have him ask me if he would like to join me (which he’s done in the past). I am more pleased when he does it out of his own accord than my asking him to come with me. So, off we went.

I noticed that in the past three or four weeks, my church has been soliciting signatures for a petition that would block the state’s (New Jersey) recognition of same-sex marriage. I never had a problem with the church saying that as I have known ever since that the Catholic Church condemns homosexuality. In fact, the past two weeks – I listened and watched as the priest asked the parishioners to sign the petition. I don’t have any objection to anyone who would like to sign the petition. I just won’t sign it.

As a gay man, I am not pro gay-marriage either. I don’t understand why it has to be defined as “marriage” when the state has already given gay couples the rights to a “civil union” which provides the same benefits to long-term same-sex couples as heterosexuals. So, what’s the big deal?

The state already recognizes civil unions for same-sex couples after a Supreme Court decision in 2006 left it up to the Legislature. The decision to reverse that law — or take it further — is still in the hands of Legislature, where lawmakers have introduced a bill that would allow gay couples to marry (S2898), and a measure (SCR-30) that would ask voters to amend the constitution to define marriage as a union between a man and woman.

However, tonight – I was a little irked by the fact that the priest continued to lobby parishioners to sign the petition during the homily while ignoring that the reading today included a conversation about “divorce” yet, the priest seemed to ignore that topic in his homily. Why would he put so much effort in the fact that the definition of marriage between a man and a woman is not and will never be equal to same-sex couples when there are so much problems with divorce among heterosexual couples?

Here’s the reading from the mass tonight:

And the Pharisees coming to him asked him: Is it lawful for a man to repudiate his wife? tempting him.
3 But he answering, said to them: What did Moses command you?
4 Who said: Moses permitted to write a bill of divorce, and to put repudiated her.
5 To whom Jesus answering, said: Because of the hardness of your heart he wrote you that precept.
6 But from the beginning of the creation, God made them male and female.
7 For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother; and shall cleave to his wife.
8 And they two shall be in one flesh. Therefore now they are not two, but one flesh.
9 What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder.

Don’t you think that this is much more important the same-sex marriage? The family unit is not broken because there are gay couples. The family unit will not be affected by the fact that gays want to use the word “marriage” in their unions. Couldn’t he have focused on the fact that “staying married” is much more important than “same-sex marriage”?

He could have given the married couples in the parish some thoughts about how to keep their vows, what can couples do to keep the love between them or how can married couples resolve issues so that their marriage won’t end in divorce. That should have been his topic.

To fill the pages of the petition with meaningless signatures simply to block a move by the state to legalize same-sex marriage doesn’t mean anything to me. Keeping families together and avoiding more broken homes do.

“I do not understand my own actions because I do not do what I want to. But I do the very thing that I hate. … I can will what is right but I cannot do it. For I do not do the good that I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do. Now, if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who does it but the sin that dwells within me. … Wretched person that I am. Who will rescue me from this body of death, from this life of sin? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord.”

Why is it that whenever I try my best to be good, that’s the time that I do things that I shouldn’t? Is it man’s nature or is it pure neglect of the teachings that I’ve learned as Christ taught me?

There are many things in my life that I would like to change.  I want to quit smoking.  I want to help others.  I want to be unselfish.  I want to preach the gospel.  I want .. I want.. I want…  Yet, I fail most of the time.  Can I blame it on human nature?  Or could I even use Adam & Eve as my scapegoat because after they sinned, sin became a part of man.  Is that even an excuse?

I beat myself up so heavy at times that I think of myself as someone who isn’t worthy of God’s love.  Why do I keep on repeating the sins that I know will hurt me?  There are so many good things I want to do but I am not doing it.  I struggle daily as I go through and review my life.

I am a Christian.  I am gay.  Am I going through something different than the rest?

I think there’s only one answer to all my questions.  PRAYER.   When all is said and done, prayer is the only thing that will keep me strong.  But even prayer is a struggle.  Please do keep me in your prayers if you are reading this.  I need to – I want to have that fire that was burning inside of me before.

“Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak.”